This morning, I found myself crying on Aaron’s shoulder…it usually happens around this time, each month. I cry because I am sad, frustrated, angry, confused…but mostly, for me, I cry because I feel I have let him down. My body…let him down, again. Just to be clear, he has never, ever said these words to me…nor, does he believe this about me. This is a feeling that doesn’t come from someone who cares and loves me, it comes from someone who doesn’t love me or care for me…it is a lie. It is an easy lie to believe, in a fleeting moment, but then I have to take a step back and remember. Aaron doesn’t think this about me…and neither does God. They both love me unconditionally.

All this to say, last week God reminded to me about who I am in Him. In fact, I wrote some of this then…but, put it away for later. Then, this morning, as I sat there sobbing and apologizing to Aaron, I remembered…I remembered what God spoke to me.

There are always so many feelings that come along on this journey. Emotional, strong feelings…some that seem normal, some that seem crazy irrational and some that seem to be felt so deep in the core of who I am.

One main feeling, that I have continually dealt with/and is still dealing with, is the feeling of inadequacy. The definition of inadequacy is, “The lack of the quantity or quality required for a task." I ask questions of myself, such as, why can’t my body conceive? What is wrong with me? Why do I deserve this? Why do I get stuck with this problem? ...a “responsible" person who can’t have babies, but the world seems to be filled with unfit or unwilling mothers.

I have come to realize, these are all lies from the enemy. Lies to discourage me, lies to dishearten the view I have of myself….and this struggle is real. Yes, I am a Christian, I know God loves me. The thing is, these ideas aren’t the vocal words we profess, but the hidden, sometimes fleeting thoughts that run through my head…they never stay long, but their impact is felt. I have, just recently (as in last week), realized they are lies, distortions of truth. Maybe I knew all along, but this time I didn’t just push them to the side until the next time, this time I finally accepted it, and took them captive.

God knows me. …everything about me, because He made me. Verse 14 so eloquently says, “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous, how well I know it." And Verse 17, “How precious are your thoughts about me, they cannot be numbered."