I Needed It…This Week
This morning, I found myself crying on Aaron’s shoulder…it usually happens around this time, each month. I cry because I am sad, frustrated, angry, confused…but mostly, for me, I cry because I feel I have let him down. My body…let him down, again. Just to be clear, he has never, ever said these words to me…nor, does he believe this about me. This is a feeling that doesn’t come from someone who cares and loves me, it comes from someone who doesn’t love me or care for me…it is a lie. It is an easy lie to believe, in a fleeting moment, but then I have to take a step back and remember. Aaron doesn’t think this about me…and neither does God. They both love me unconditionally.
All this to say, last week God reminded to me about who I am in Him. In fact, I wrote some of this then…but, put it away for later. Then, this morning, as I sat there sobbing and apologizing to Aaron, I remembered…I remembered what God spoke to me.
There are always so many feelings that come along on this journey. Emotional, strong feelings…some that seem normal, some that seem crazy irrational and some that seem to be felt so deep in the core of who I am.
One main feeling, that I have continually dealt with/and is still dealing with, is the feeling of inadequacy. The definition of inadequacy is, “The lack of the quantity or quality required for a task." I ask questions of myself, such as, why can’t my body conceive? What is wrong with me? Why do I deserve this? Why do I get stuck with this problem? ...a “responsible" person who can’t have babies, but the world seems to be filled with unfit or unwilling mothers.
I have come to realize, these are all lies from the enemy. Lies to discourage me, lies to dishearten the view I have of myself….and this struggle is real. Yes, I am a Christian, I know God loves me. The thing is, these ideas aren’t the vocal words we profess, but the hidden, sometimes fleeting thoughts that run through my head…they never stay long, but their impact is felt. I have, just recently (as in last week), realized they are lies, distortions of truth. Maybe I knew all along, but this time I didn’t just push them to the side until the next time, this time I finally accepted it, and took them captive.
I woke up in the night, and was struck with the verse in Psalm 139. Verse 14, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Upon waking up and jotting a note, to check it out in the morning…I thought, “I sleep hard enough to rest through Aaron's snoring. Only God can wake me up and prompt me to look at the scripture, so there must be something there for me."
Reading through the whole chapter. I began to see exactly how God saw me, what thought of me and how loved me. ME, the infertile lady.
Verse 1 starts out, “O Lord, you have examined my heart and know everything about me."
The chapter continues;
- He knew me in my mother’s womb
- He knit me together
- He knew my days and each moment
- He sees me
- He knows my thoughts and desires
- He goes before me
- He blesses me
- He guides me
- He strengthens me
- He supports me
Verse 6 says, “Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too great for me to understand."
I reread it. Verse 6 summed up my feelings…wow.
God knows me. …everything about me, because He made me. Verse 14 so eloquently says, “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous, how well I know it." And Verse 17, “How precious are your thoughts about me, they cannot be numbered."
Because of this I know a few things.
I know all those thoughts I had before, are all lies from the enemy.
My God knew this journey I would be on. He sent me a kind, loving, strong and caring helpmate to walk through this with me.
He made us together, for this journey, for this time,
…and all this together, allows me to walk in the confidence of our God!
Verses 19-22 talks about our adversary. How he attacks us and lies. Recently I have heard the whispers of, “What if this procedure doesn’t work?" followed by, "…all that you are saying now won’t matter when it fails." and also, "You have shared this, and now what are people going to say or think about you?"
My prayer, for any other ladies on this journey, that you will not listen to the lies of our adversary…but, to the love of our Father. For others, who are on a different journey, and may feel inadequate in another area, please know the enemy wants to creep in, in any way he can. He loves to steal what God has intended for you, by convincing you of inadequacy. …just remember, God’s thoughts are so precious towards you, He will strengthen and support you!
I am thankful today, that I know what my God thinks about me. I know how He feels about me. I know that He will keep His promise, and continues to guide and lead us on this journey.
I know I needed this for this week, and last week, and probably next week. But, today, I can rest in the reassurance and trust I have in Him.